Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Flying S**t Sack

So I've got a choice to make.

I could write about one of three things.

  1. The graffiti I made last weekend, and the demise of one of my old pieces, or
  2. The movie I went to see this evening, or
  3. The bag of human excrement that was flung onto our property this afternoon.






You already know which one I'm choosing. But I'll briefly mention the other two.

Item one: the graffiti. I had basically decided that I wasn't going to add stencils to my repetoire of street stylz, particularly because I think they've gotten a bit too trendy, but then I had an idea for one, or two actually, so I went ahead and made them. And finally last Sunday I went out and painted some:

Earlier in the week I drove by my painting of the two snakes that I was beginning to suspect was immortal, since it had survived both an election and a Carnaval, when much to my surprise, it was gone! Something was strange though, it didn't look as though it had been painted over. When I drove by it again (okay, I actually doubled back so I could have another look) I noticed that the section of wall where it had been was gone. I went back a couple days later with my camera and found it on the ground:

I couldn't figure out what happened to it. I thought maybe it got hit by a car, but I couldn't find an impact anywhere. Evani thought maybe a tree fell on it during all the rain we had last week but there was no tree debris around. Maybe the cement just got brittle and it collapsed...

Item two: the film. I actually watched a romantic comedy tonight, the kind of film I generally avoid like the plague. But I kinda enjoyed it. I used to love to go to the movies by myself, and watch some Hollywood flick that wouldn't normally interest me, providing it was not dubbed. I took Ruan and two friends to see the new Dragonball movie, and went to see I Love You Man instead. I got a couple of good laughs out of it, even though what I really wanted to see was Milk, which was no longer playing. The only thing that was kind of depressing about it was that it made me realize how few friends I have here in Brazil at this point in my life, particularly male friends. Being married to a Brazilian, it's difficult for me to have female friends (at least not straight ones) which is a bummer- like the dude in the movie, I've always had lots of female friends. Unfortunately my only male expat 'buddy' is out of the country indefinitely.

So if you don't want to read about plastic bags with shit in them I suggest this site. But it's not really much of an improvement.

Today I was working at home, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I heard a loud WHACK outside my window. I looked out and saw a bag had landed on the plastic roof panels under which we dry our laundry. I already had an idea what was in it, just from the way the plastic was bulging. I hauled it down, and sure enough, someone had taken a dump in the bag and flung it, from somewhere, in our general direction. It was impossible to know from where, but our first guess was our neighbor Mario's house.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before, if not gone into detail about, the used condom trauma we experienced after we first moved in. Almost immediately after we first moved in. Used condoms, stuffed back into their wrappers, began falling in almost exactly the same spot on our patio. The reason for this became obvious when I checked it out- they were being pushed out a cement louver-thingie used for ventilation called a comongol, although I've probably spelled that wrong. I talked to Mario, the miserable fuck neighbor, about this and he denied they were coming from his house. Heatedly. And repeatedly. Which seemed odd that he could be so certain about it seeing as how he has about 12 roomers in there at any one time.

I set up a camera and tried catching the flinger on film, I covered up the comongol from the outside with mosquito netting, but the issue wasn't resolved until some guy who was working at our house actually got hit in the head with a used condom. That was disgusting, but fortunate because he looked up and saw somebody throw the condom wrapper, which had been separated from it's foul cargo, out of a window of Mario's house. This time when I went and confronted Mario about it it was difficult for him to deny that it hadn't come from his house, although he did try. The condom flinging stopped soon afterwards. We are pretty sure to this day that it was Mario himself who was the flinger.

Logically we figured the shit slingers were also somehow associated with Mario. Except for a couple things. One, we can't prove it. Two, it hit with a pretty loud bang, which makes me think it had flown farther than from just next door. Three, if it had fallen just two feet further to the left, it would have fallen in Mario's territory, not mine. This makes me wonder if he wasn't the intended target. Certainly there are a lot more people around here with reason to dislike him than me.

Not that my neighbors don't think I'm deranged myself. This Saturday, painting by myself alone in the house, after midnight, I flung an empty can of paint at my aluminum door. Just for fun. It made a very loud noise. Later, when I poked my head out to lock this same door, I saw a bunch of people looking at me and whispering. I found out later that they thought the noise was a shot, and that I'd killed my wife, and that I was looking for a way to escape. Evani explained this to me a few days later after she got the scoop from one of our neighbors. I laughed long and hard about that one.

Another item I don't believe I've mentioned on this blog is that some people showed up at Mario's house a couple weeks ago, from some acronymed department of the city or the state or the national government, and he was informed that he has to make improvements to the house or stop renting rooms. Hey- it's not up to code! What a surprise!! Apparently the tenants were notified that they are not obligated to pay rent any longer. I got very excited about this news at the time, but this has since passed, as I now expect nothing to change. He's clearly not making any improvements to the place, and he still has his 'rooms for rent' sign out front. He's spending his days like he always does- playing cards and dominos and wandering around the largo. Hopefully he's setting himself up for the big fall. Have I mentioned the other lawsuit against him?

Man would I love for him to get shut down.

And then buy his house.

If I could.

Which I can't.

We've had other things fall out of our neighbor's places into our 'area' or 'patio' or whatever you want to call it- it's not a yard, it's more like a concrete hole about 30 feet deep. Twice rotten boards have fallen in, and many many times laundry has flown down in. Cigarette butts. I found a roach (no, not a cockroach) one time. The worst was the rat that somehow toppled in but didn't quite die in the process...

I am only grateful to the shit slinger for one thing- s/he used a sturdy bag, which did not burst. I tried to examine said bag to see if it would give me any clues about the crapper, but I got too grossed out and instead tossed the bag in front of Mario's house.

Now I'm grossing myself out.

This whole post is kind of gross.

I'll try to write about something nicer next time.


M :) said...

Your neighbor sounds really foul. To make you feel better, my downstairs neighbor was arrested for m-bating on his patio in plain sight of the adjoining condo. This is in Miami Beach.

Pedra said...

One thing I'll say about you Mark, you have a way of making a really horrible situation sound totally hysterical. I found myself laughing out loud when I read the post. I mean, that totally sucks that this happened, but at least you have a good attitude about it and hopefully by depositing the bag in front of that guy's house, you put it where it was intended to fall in the first place.

BTW...I miss you and felt sad when I read what you said about friends. I miss our hang out times!!!


Leo said...

Eu te amo cara....that was a fun movie. Vivi and I laughed our heads off. Made me miss my best buds in the States too.

Shit flingers and destroyed art. Twas an enjoyable post, that one.

Jesse said...

Mark, I agree with Pedra- I miss you and our hang out times, too! You, Drew and Justin are all too far away- esp. you! I have a couple of good male friends nearby-but not my bros from way back. It will be great to hang out this summer. peace, Jesse
ps. btw, you do make gross and stressful stuff very funny

markuza said...

Thanks everyone, I miss you toooooo! Except for M, who I haven't met, and Leo, who I haven't hung out with enough to sentir saudades... who knows... here's to new friends who then become old friends! Jesse- I don't know if you remember when we started second grade, I made a joke that it was time to get rid of the old friends to make way for the new friends! You got really pissed. Seemed at the time you were mad at me for a long time- it was probably a whole day.

Glad you thought it was funny too.